


Balance

by almost_certain



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Blood and Gore, Emotional Constipation, Enthusiastic Consent, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I am a little head over heels for this ship, I'm Sorry, Implied Past Abuse, Infidelity, Maybe OOC, Mentions of other characters - Freeform, Oral Sex, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Rough Sex, Shameless Smut, Submission, Switches, Violent Sex, fluff maybe, he just doesn't say it, he loves her, she gets it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-27
Updated: 2015-03-07
Packaged: 2018-03-15 12:58:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3448046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/almost_certain/pseuds/almost_certain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hinami is tired of everyone treating her like she's made of glass. Well not everyone, she's not sleeping with everyone, she's sleeping with someone she knows is more than capable of tearing her apart. So why won't he?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. His

It wasn't that their first few times weren't lovely. She'd never speak of it outside of their nights between his sheets, but with her his hands had been gentle, his body slow and soft. He'd kissed blood from her mouth and brushed images of dead friends and nameless corpses from her eyes with his firm fingertips. When she had needed someone to stop her tears he had been there, more than happy to distract. 

The distraction just wasn't working anymore. 

She watched as he wrenched the arm from a freshly dead man with more gut than muscle and wide black eyes. His blue hair swept around his face as he offered it to her. 'You did good, kiddo.' 

She kept watching the man's face, as if at any moment he might cry out in protest at the pair of teen ghouls picking him apart. His eyes only grew darker. 

'Hinami?' His voice was short, and too quickly she snatched the limb from him, looking down at it in her hands with pure distaste written on her face. 'Relax, I would have killed him with or without you. This way, there's just no waste.' He returned to his task, ripping strips of flesh and popping them in his mouth while shoving bigger cuts in to the wrapping for the next few days. 'So just shut up and do what I tell you.'

She took a bite, still warm salty blood filling the gap between her teeth and tongue. She kept her eyes closed, sighing in to the flesh as her shoulders relaxed. Ayato glanced over his shoulder, smiling at the flush that coloured her cheeks, at her obvious pleasure. She'd deny any enjoyment later, and he planned on making her forget the guilt that so obviously replaced it once she was done eating. Tonight he'd tell her to follow him, lead her to his home, and for a few hours they'd blow off steam until she'd up and leave, talking to him the next day as if it hadn't happened. 

'Thank you, Ayato-kun.' She wiped her mouth on the back of her sleeve, though her lips retained the red of the blood. 'I'm full.'

'Don't waste food Hinami.' He chided, tearing a large slippery slab of liver from the man's stomach and dropping it in the pile. 

She sniffed the air. 'We should go. There's a group heading this way.'

'Give me a minute.' His arm slipped up under the man's rib cage, and the head rolled backwards in a mute parody of pain. 'Got it.' There was a sickening squelch as he pulled, heart and arteries clasped tight in his fist. He turned to look at her, his eyes black and red but hooded. 

She hadn't realised she was staring at him until he raised an eyebrow, offering her the heart with a twitch of his bloody lips. 'You want it?'

She felt her cheeks colour. It wasn't the heart that held her attention. With the blood painting his pale skin up to his elbow and his muscles tight against the dark denim of his jeans, her stomach flipped with the faint realisation that he could kill her if he wanted to. He could tear off a man's arm without breaking a sweat, yank out an organ as if it was made of paper mâché not muscle or cartilage. If he wanted to, he could ruin her. 

But instead he touched her like she was made of glass. 

'Hinami?' His eyes narrowed as he dropped the heart in to the pile and wiped his palms on his thighs. Standing he stretched, bones in his shoulders and neck cracking. 'Fine, pretend your not a ghoul then.'

She followed him at a distance, the conversation running over itself in her head. 'Ayato, this is great but do you think you could...' 'Hey, Ayato-kun, you can eff me a bit harder you know.' 'Ayato, could you, uh, grab my... If you, uh, know what I mean...' 

Eventually what came tumbling out when his door closed behind her, while she watched him tuck the freshly cut meat away in his freezer was, 'Am I your first person?'

He snorted, straightening up and rolling up his sleeves. 'My first person?' He didn't look amused, and the scent of blood spreading from her had her recoiling slightly under his gaze.

'Yeah...' She swallowed, looking down at her hands. 'Sex...'

'Oh.' He frowned at the kettle, then at the stove which he never used and finally at her. 'No. No you weren't my first person.' 

'Oh.' She wasn't surprised. 

'Do you actually want to talk about this Hinami?' He leant back against the freezer, smiling sadly. 

She nibbled her lower lip. 'I...' Her cheeks were positively crimson. 

His smile twisted in to something sinister. 'Do you want to hear about the men or the women? When you were eating in Antieku I was living on the streets in the fourteenth ward. I didn't realise,' he reached up to scratch his neck. 'But Touka was the only thing keeping the weirder ghouls away.' He shrugged 'So, no, you're not my first person.'

'Ayato...'

'So if you don't want me to touch you just tell me.' He flicked the kettle switch, turning away from her and reaching for the instant coffee. 'You can relax, I'm not in love with you or anything.'

Her eyes bulged. He thought she was rejecting him. When she first met him he didn't seem the sort to give her the choice. 

He took a cup from the cupboard for himself, then looked at her and slowly reached for a second. His fingers left a small red smudge on the porcelain. 'Shit, will you make the coffee? I need to clean myself up.' He held his hands up to her. 'Messy eater,' he grinned childishly. 

She was very aware, as the sound of the tap in the bathroom mixed with the boiling of the kettle, that he wasn't going to touch her that night. In fact, he had misread her to the point he was cleaning the blood from his arms. As much as he mocked her, told her to accept the fact that being a ghoul means basking in it, he was cleaning the blood from his hands, speaking to her softly, making her feel like a regular teenager.

When he opened the door all squeaky and clean, she was standing right in front of it. She chewed on her lip, eyes darting from his hands to his shoes to her own and back. 'So... So you know quite a bit then, Ayato-kun?' She cursed herself silently for the squeak in her voice. 

He frowned down at her. 'Do you dissaprove?'

'I'm sorry! No I... I don't disapprove of it I... I...'

He watched her for a moment, until realisation painted a crooked grin on his pretty face. 'Are you jealous Hinami?' 

She gave a slight nod. 

He laughed, and the sound had her squirming where she stood. 'Oh that is precious!'

After a moment she finally glanced upwards, startled by the look of anger he was wearing. 'Wh... Why... Why are you... You always so gentle with me, Ayato?' She mumbled, promptly looking back down to his feet. 

His voice was strained when he spoke. 'Gentle with you?' He swallowed a lump in his throat. 

A thousand explanations swam through her head. With her fists clenched and her eyes shut she tried to voice them. 'I don't want you to hold back with me and everyone thinks I'm innocent, and you comfort me and it's nice but I'm not, I enjoy it! I enjoyed hunting that man today, and I enjoy watching you kill Doves and I enjoy it when you touch me...' Now or never, she thought. 'But I don't want to feel guilty, so... So you should punish me!' 

Ayato's lips formed the word slowly. 'Punish?'

Her eyes snapped open, and standing there, panting with the force of her outburst, she began to tremble. 'I'm a ghoul. Sometimes I need to be reminded...'

If his eyes were wide before they were positively popping from his skull now. She watched as confusion gave way to anger which gave way to something between sadness and distaste. 'So you want me to punish you for being a ghoul?' 

The sharpness in his voice made her blood rush to her cheeks again. 'No. Yes? I... For not being a very good one?' 

He smirked, letting his eyes roam over her boots, leggings and coat ensemble before coming to rest at her honey coloured eyes. 'If I tell you to do something, you'll do it?'

She nodded. 

'Okay, Hinami.'

She blinked. 

'Take off your coat.' For a moment the room was filled with his slow measured breaths. Then, 'Take off your fucking coat.'

Her shaking fingers fiddled with the buttons and with every passing second she seemed to lose more control. She kept glancing to him, but he stood perfectly still, watching her with a blank face while she struggled to obey him. Once the last button was popped she shuffled the coat down her shoulders, dropping it to pool behind her. 

_This is stupid_ , she thought, as she smoothed down her pale blue dress and shifted under his cold gaze. She contemplated running out of there, announcing it as a joke or just cracking up with laughter at her own embarrassing display. She had just revealed herself to be a pervert, and he was looking at her like she was dinner. 

'Come here,' he raised his chin, lips pulling into a straight line. When she didn't move he tutted, and crossed the distance in three quick steps. His fingers closed around her neck, tight but not constricting. He turned her head to the side and pressed his lips to her ear. 'You're not listening to me.' 

'Ah. Sorry! I'm sorry Ayato-kun!' She squeaked, her entire left side going numb to the sensation of him nipping her earlobe. 'I'll listen!' 

He released her, and she whined as he walked away to the other end of the room, unzipping his hooded jacket as he went. He hung it neatly over the arm of the couch before turning to face her. 'Come here.' He ordered, and this time her legs obeyed. When she was almost in front of him he held up a hand. 'Take off your boots first.' He tilted his head to the side, all piercings and dark shadows making him seem sharper. She awkwardly untied her laces and kicked off her boots, and when she was done he gave a little nudge of the head that had her shambling forward until she could feel his steady breaths against her face. 

With a little click of the tongue he crouched down, hands pushing her dress up so he could grab the waistband of her leggings. She froze, eyes fixed on the white wall passed the couch as she felt air hit her thighs, her knees, her calves. The rough skin of his palms roamed back up from the ankle, curving around the back of her thighs and just grazing the curve of her backside, still safely clothed in her pale pink Cotton panties. He dug in his fingertips and pulled her legs apart, and her hands shot to his shoulders to keep her from tumbling down. 

In a second he had released her, stepping away to look at her, flushed and standing with her leggings at her ankles and her short dress held high with the spread of her legs. He sat down on the sofa, then beckoned her to follow with a finger. She thought her shuffle - should she take her leggings from around her ankles? - must have looked ridiculous, but he licked his lips and she bit back a sigh as she took the last few steps. 

'Put your head here.' He tapped the arm of the sofa where his bloody jacket was draped and she audible gulped. 'Your ass, here.' He tapped his knee. 

It was awkward at first, she sat on him and tried to spin so that her knees were next to his thigh and she was kneeling across him, but his hands were pulling her head down and she only managed to awkwardly sprawl out flat, face landing on the soft jacket. Underneath her he was still. She could barely hear his breathing over her own as she heaved in the heavy scent of their prey's blood and underneath it, his sweat and skin. Her hands dug into the fabric beside her head as she waited, her breaths growing ragged.

'Tell me then,' his low voice was accompanied by the softest brush of his finger to the hem of her skirt. 'How long have you been wanting my hands all over you, Hinami-chan?'

She pressed herself against him, heart thudding as something hard pressed back against her stomach. 

He lifted her skirt, pushing it over the small of her back until his hand could rest on her spine, heavy and oddly reassuring. His other brushed lightly over her modest backside, down the back of her thighs and back up, each time pulling the pastel pink fabric further down. 

'All the times you've been in my bed, how many have you just wanted me to hold you down, to treat you like the little slut you really are?' 

Her panties fell down to her knees and his hand roamed once more over her backside before he sighed and brought it down in a soft but startling slap. 

She stopped breathing. 

'All that time I held back', _slap_ , 'and you were dripping at the thought of me using you, weren't you?' 

She found herself biting down on his jacket, sucking in breaths between involuntary gasps.

'Listen to you!' _Slap_. 'Are those the sounds nice girls make Hinami?' _Slap_. 'Answer me.'

'N... No!' She pushed her rear up as he caressed her now red cheeks. 

'Weren't you raised to be a nice girl? What would your parents think if they could see you now, bent over my knee? What would Touka think if she saw her precious Hinami-chan just begging _me_ to make her cum, huh?' If she had looked up she would have seen the bright pink glow of his cheeks and the uncertainty of maybe going too far with her.

She cried out as another blow landed on her already red backside, shifting her hips against his legs in vain. 'Please!' She screamed as he ran his nails over her sore spots. 'Oh god, oh please!' 

He sighed as he pulled down her dress and then pushed her to stand in front of him. His hair ticked her thighs as he reached for her panties, pulling them up until they covered her red hot cheeks and her ignored but obvious wetness. He looked up at her, eyes dark as he smoothed down her dress. Slowly he stood, then roughly he spun her around, folding her arms so that her hands clung just shy of the opposite elbow. His hands swept up to her shoulders, pushing her sleeves up before pressing a kiss to her neck. 'Keep them there.' He growled near her ear, and against his stomach he could feel her tighten her grip on her own arms. 

He turned her to face him, his hands skimming her neck and collar bone, before his thumbs pushed her lips apart, running across her teeth and tongue. 'Has anyone ever fucked your pretty mouth before?' He asked softly, removing his thumbs and kissing her with enough force to temporarily dislodge her hands. He didn't have to ask really. He'd been the first to touch her, and the way she'd touched him under the sheets while little noises of wonder had spilled from her lips had told him she'd never touched anyone else. At the memory of her grip tightening experimentally while he lay on his back watching her concentrate forced a smile to his lips. 'Is it all mine?' He hissed before nipping at her bottom lip.

'Yes! It's yours!' Her eyes were glazed as she looked up at him, panting through her swollen lips. 

He unbuckled his belt and popped the button of his fly, sighing as the pressure in his jeans was released. 'Get on your knees.' He choked as his hand snuck under his boxers to grip himself. 

Hinami fell forward with a clumsy smack of her knee bones to the hard wood floor, and Ayato would have stopped there if not for the way she closed her eyes and opened her mouth eagerly. 

'Open your eyes. I want you to look at it.' 

She hadn't really seen it before. She'd seen it's outline in his boxers and felt it on her thighs or inside her, but now she found herself panicking. His free hand brushed her hair away before yanking it back and forcing her to meet his gaze. For the cruel expression he wore he was no less beautiful. She lowered her gaze to the hand beneath the black fabric as he stroked himself, and almost whined when the hand on her hair released her to pull down the offending pants so that she could see his movements clearly. Her breaths quickened. 

He moved closer, his free thumb coming down to prise open her mouth. Her tongue flicked at the edge and he sighed, taking a secure grip of her hair again and pulling her forward until her hot breath tickled the silken skin of his cock. With a groan he offered the head to her, hissing when her lips closed around the tip. 'Look at me.' He growled and her eyes, full of wonder and lust, met his. She pushed herself further down, breath coming hot from her nose, though she had yet to reach half way. 'Breathe.' He instructed, and his hand urged her further down before pulling her back roughly and letting her take a deep breath. 'God, is your mouth really that small? Wider.' She opened her mouth as wide as she could. 

He pulled her forwards and she found her nails dug in to her arms with a delicious bite as his tip touched the back of her tongue. As he began to move her in a steady rhythm, fingers tight at her roots, she began to splutter and choke, and he would let her pull back to suck in air before bringing her back down. 'Just like that.' He muttered over and over. 

His curtains were open. The thought struck him at the point when her nose first brushed against the short dark hairs at the base of his cock. He hadn't closed the blinds and his lights were on, so if anyone were to look across from the opposite building they could well catch a glimpse of sweet little Hinami sucking him for all he was worth. He let his hand fall from her hair, but she didn't stop, instead looking up at him with a determination in her tear filled eyes.

'You don't want to stop?' He smirked, pulling his T-shirt over his head and throwing it somewhere behind him. He fell from her mouth with a pop, and she let her head droop, gasping down breaths. 'I think you're a liar. You can't tell me that's a virgin mouth.'

She chuckled, turning her head up so she could see him. 'You're my first person, Ayato-kun.' She rasped.

He crouched and pulled her lips to his. She tasted of salt and blood and under that like he'd always imagined sugar tasted to humans. 'Get up' he pulled at her arms and reluctantly she let them drop to her sides as he deposited her on her unsteady feet. 'Come on.' He hauled her out to his bedroom, pausing at the doorway to kiss her until she was again breathless then pushing her back into the dark room.

His fingers found the light switch, and she turned quickly to squint through the harsh brightness. 'Aya...'

His hand clasped over her mouth while the other groped at the wetness between her legs. She shrieked in to his palm, hands raised uselessly at her sides. 'You're soaked!' He feigned surprise, lapping at the tear tracks drying silver on her fair skin. 'Do you want me to fuck you Hinami?' His teeth pulled playfully at her cheek.

She squirmed as his fingers pushed the cotton against her overly sensitive clit. 

'I like this dress on you.' He pulled back, pulling it up and over her in a single swift movement, leaving her standing in her black bra and her mismatched pink panties. Somewhere over the last few years she'd gained a hint of curves. She was still thin, and muscleless given her twin kagunes could more than compensate for any lack of physical ability, but there was definite shape to her hips, and her breasts were a little more than a handful.

He hadn't been permitted to touch them before, or perhaps he had just assumed she didn't want him to, because as soon as his hand brushed over the fabric of her bra she let out a low groan and arched her back, forcing her breasts in to his hands. 'Oh please please please!'

He pulled the fabric down and set upon suckling and pulling at her already hard pink nipples. Her whimpers were incoherent as he reached around to unclip the bra, letting it slide down her pale arms and land at their feet. His hands continued to pinch and pluck at her sensitive skin as his lips drew crude red marks at the base of her throat, until one of hers grazed his hip, just above his jeans and he snatched his head back.

If he had been taunting her, he'd lost it now that she was panting his name in a husky litany of pleas. He could smell her need so strongly he wondered how he'd managed to ignore it, and he took her by the waist and pushed her back on to the bed, crawling up until he was pinning her down, arms above her head, and grinding down against her. Her mouth yielded and he felt more than heard her moans as his tongue lashed at hers, his thighs and knees pushing hers apart, making her arch and buck against him. 

He trailed his way down to pull her panties down, though he only unhooked one leg before holding it high and slipping his fingers in to her sensitive heat. 

'Fuck!' She tried to sit up, stomach muscles burning. 

'Now when did you get such a foul mouth?' He pushed in to the knuckle, watching her face as her mouth fell open and her hair fell down over her eyes. If she was embarrassed by the sounds her arousal was making she showed no indication though her face had been red since he'd bent her over his knee. 

'Shit!'

'Hinami.' His finger stilled. 'Stop it.'

'I'm sorry! I'm sorry!' He moved his finger again. 'Fuck! Ayato...' 

He pulled his hand up, cupping her head with his other and bringing the offending finger to her lips. She stared at him bewildered for a moment, before opening her mouth, sticking her tongue out slightly. As she sucked his finger he relaxed, letting the back of her head go in favour for trailing his hand down and slowly rubbing vague circles around her clit. 

'Do you taste good?' He smirked and she opened her eyes to glare at him as he pushed his finger as deep in to her mouth as it would go. 'I bet you fucking do,' he ducked his head down, delivering a devastating broad stroke right at her most sensitive part. His head bobbed as his tongue coaxed moans and tremors from her throat, but his fingers were still poised at the edge of her lips. 'God Hinami.' His voice travelled straight through her. 'You're so wet. I need to...'

'Please Ayato-kun! I want you to!' 

She let out a surprised yell as she was flipped on to her front, his hands pulling her until she was balanced on her bruised knees, her still red backside raised towards him. He dropped his jeans and put a hand on the top of her ass, smiling as his thumb grazed the plump pink flesh. The tip of his cock rubbed against her and she instinctively dropped her head to the pillow. 'Good girl.' He soothed as he lined himself up. 'And you're fuckin' tight!' He hissed as he pushed in to her, both hands scrabbling to dig in to the flesh of her hips. 

She muffled her screams in to the pillow, tears spilling with every slap of his hips against her bruised cheeks as he continued to drive in to her, a litter of jibes and praises falling from his lips.

Her mouth was dry and throat raw by the time he pulled her back to him, one arm looping around her neck while the other stroked down to rub frantic circles around her, his hips still pounding in to her with a painful urgency. 

'I'm... I'm...'

'Not yet!' His fingers slowed but his thrusts became desperate. 

His arm around her neck tightened, and she knew their eyes must be black and red, and it was taking all remaining concentration to keep her kagunes in check. Everything hurt, and at the same time all she could feel was a white hot burn rippling through her cells. 

His fingers quickened their pace. 'Do you want to come for me'

'Oh please!' She forced herself back on to him, grinning from ear to ear when his hand snaked around her neck, pressing down on her airway.

'Then come for me.' He grunted, and at his word the white hot feeling coursed back to her centre, rushing through her limbs to settle in the pit of her stomach. He finished seconds later, letting her drop forward as his orgasm shot through him. He kept her pinned underneath him, his lips pressed against her nape as they both settled. She sighed as he withdrew, a mixture of his and her own fluids cooling against her flushed skin. 'Hinami.' He sighed, rolling on to his back and covering his eyes with his hand. 'Do you feel better?'

'I...' She cautiously turned to face him, taken off guard by the look of lazy contentment he was wearing. 

He pulled her towards him, tucking her against his chest and pulling at the duvet in an effort to conserve some of the warmth.  'You don't need to be punished. You should be fucking worshipped.' He looked nervous as he waited for a response, softer now.

'I'm sorry... I just want to try things. I don't know much about sex, but... I wanted it to hurt... I want to feel it for days. Is that stupid?'

His hand wound around hers, fingers threading. 'You're my first person I've liked.' He let his eyes drift closed. 'So can we talk about it in the morning, or else I'm going to embarrass myself more than I need to.'

'Ayato-kun?' She smiled against his skin, her cheeks flushing pink. 'We can talk about it in the morning.'


	2. Her's

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Can you break up if you're not formally together? 
> 
> Hinami finds herself on top while Ayato struggles to work out exactly how he feels, let alone tell her.

He was still inside her when she said it, her voice calm and flat while he could barely breathe.

'I don't think we should do this anymore.'

By the time he had turned the sounds in to words with an actual meaning she had pushed him on to his back, and was gathering up her clothes from the floor. The morning sun shone through the blinds, and her silhouette glowed a cruelly bright gold as she moved around him, avoiding his gaze. 

He tried to keep his voice level, tried to sound neutral, but when he spoke it was an echo of raw nerves and regret. 'Why now?' He swallowed, throat dry. 

She shook her head and pulled a purple jumper over it, choosing to stuff her bra in to her bag rather than waste time putting it on. Without looking at him she pulled up her jeans and headed for the door, leaving him naked, lying face up and staring with dull eyes at the white of the ceiling. When he heard the front door slam he pulled the quilt up around himself and blocked out the light. 

He knew why. He himself could still smell the girl on him, a human with no fear who had followed him in to the darkness willingly and died flushed and sated and right at the moment when she came crashing down around him. She hadn't tasted sweet. Her blood had been tainted by drugs or liquor, and he'd felt an odd gap between his mind and body until a few hours later. He hadn't liked the girl, she was too polished, and she'd made him feel like the prey, reminded him a bit too much of the fetishists in his youth, humans with enough money or power to pay ghouls to hand over ghouls so they could prove they weren't afraid. So they could pretend that they were stronger than he had been, even if it was just the RC suppressants and the restraints. She'd known what he was and she'd thought sex would keep her safe, that she was better at it than him. 

He wondered if Hinami would believe that he hadn't finished, that the sound of that woman's wretched voice had only made him miss her's, and he'd rushed home with his heart hammering hoping she'd be there, hoping he could put his emotions in to words but he'd only stared at her as she closed her book and stood, nostrils flaring as she took in his appearance, his smell. 

'I've...' He had tried, but his body had over ruled any notion of coming clean, opting to touch her instead, to desperately cling to her. Her lips had been stiff but she'd relented, pulling him in to her, letting him sweep her up and carry her to the bedroom with their lips still locked. 

And all the time he was kissing her and she was scramming at his skin she was planning her escape, she was planning to leave him. 

He'd thought about it before, telling her. ' _Hinami, I'm still a little bit fucked up about the whole intimacy thing.', 'My first sexual partner was a fifty two year old ghoul so...', 'I think I love you but my past has left me with commitment issues and more than one odd fantasy, so how do you feel about...The weird stuff_?' He'd thought better of it, too. 

She was worth more than his unresolved character flaws. Every day she was standing a little more on her own. She'd stopped looking so ashamed when she hunted with him, and she no longer tried to hide her enjoyment of the taste. She had trained enough to block most of his attacks, even if he was still pulling his punches, and with her kagunes she could protect herself from most foes. There was no chance anyone would even get close enough for her to use them though, her senses were so sharp. She didn't need him anymore, not really. Not to protect or to distract, and she could do better in love. 

That word floated around his head like an insect. Love love love. He didn't love her. He wanted her. It'd just been strange wanting the same person night after night. He'd held back before, when she'd been inexperienced and pink at the cheeks and he'd wanted to tear her apart but her shining eyes and unsure gasps had made him kiss her forehead before her lips. If he was honest he would have explained to her that he'd liked pretending they were normal, that they were two teens in a romantic movie who's entire lives hinged on that moment, that fumble in to adulthood. He'd stolen her first time, made it his own, and afterwards he'd felt somehow restored. 

She deserved better. That was just the way it was. For a few months she'd been his to touch and taste and she'd finally realised that the violent man child was a bad investment of her time. Half of his mind wished he'd made a move earlier in her years at Aogiri, when she was new and still weak, but the other half reasoned that it would have ended the same way, only sooner. He was always bound to fuck it up.

For the next few days, he followed orders to trail an investigator almost too diligently, not pausing to hunt or drink until his head swam with dizziness and the investigator was asleep. Even then he chose to defrost some old cuttings and wash them down with instant coffee, flopping in to bed after sending an explanatory text message to Eto. 

He enjoyed the feeling of food after starvation, the way you could track the spread of energy through the cells, the chug of fresh blood through the veins. It made him feel all at once sick and like he could pick up a mountain. He didn't wake until the sky outside was dark and starless with heavy grey clouds, and the sound of someone beating at his door cut loud through the rain and far away thunder. 

He took his time walking out to the front door, lazily scratching under his shirt as he peeped through the spy hole before pulling back the chain and throwing the door back. 'It's almost 3am.' 

She stood before him like a normal child's nightmare, hooded and snarling and covered in blood. Her own blood, he could tell by the way her black and red eyes were drooping, if not from the smell. Someone had hacked at her shoulder, cutting long and deep down to her left breast, right through the collar bone. 

'Come on.' He grabbed her gently by the wrist, easing her through the threshold until she, exhausted, fell against his chest with a shiver. 'What happened? Where have you been?' He closed his door and held her at arm's length so he could appraise her wounds. It was healing, but she needed food, and he needed to see how much of the blood was hers. 'Fuck, Hinami!' He swept her up and carried her through to his bathroom, setting her down against the door while he set about running the water. Once the rush of the tap drowned out her shallow breaths he turned back, stooping to pull at her coat and unbutton her once white shirt. 

All the while she stared at him, her arms clutching weakly at his sleeves. When he pulled the shirt, tearing her buttons loose she let her tears spill, carving a light path down her bloody cheek. There were only two wounds left, her collar bone and a deep puncture on the left side of her stomach. Gingerly his fingers pressed against it, and her blood gushed out. 

'Right. Right.' He rolled back the sleeve of his shirt, and before he could think he tore a jagged line in his forearm with his own teeth. 'This won't taste that great but...' She'd already latched on, her eyes closed and tongue lapping at his skin. 'But... But I don't have any food... Ow, fuck...' She tore her teeth away, and he stared down at his bloody arm, watching the chunk she had just ripped off grow back and heal. 

She swallowed, licking her lips and letting her head knock back against the door. His hands unzipping her jeans and pulling off her shoes was a far off memory. Water touching her skin, and something warm against her back were distant concerns. 

She came to in a familiar haze of dark sheets and his scent. He'd left her in the middle of the bed, sprawled out like a starfish wearing a shirt of his and nothing else. Her hair hadn't been dried before he had put her to bed, and she could feel it sticking up at all angles, strangely oily to the touch. Her collarbone ached, but a quick shift of his collar revealed a freshly healed patch of pink skin. She was exhausted, every muscle aching as she climbed out of bed and padded softly in to the twilight lit lounge where her ex-lover slept on his sofa, arm wrapped protectively around a pillow. 

He looked troubled, even in his sleep, with his brow furrowed and mouth pulled down at the corners. His hair, hair she'd played with enough times to know it was soft and thick to the touch, hung down over his eyes, and he looked young again, how he'd looked when she'd first met him. A little bit angry. A little bit lost. 

Before she could stop herself she had crossed the room to sweep his hair back and press a kiss to his forehead. She'd been the one almost killed, so why was he lying here, looking so vulnerable?

With her lips still on his skin she felt him move, his arms wrapping around her waist, pushing the material of his shirt up. His thumbs stroked slow circles against the small of her back while he buried his nose between the top of her breasts.  

'I can't...'  She moved to pull away but he held her tighter. 'Ayato-kun...'

'Please.' He croaked against her sternum, and the weakness there was enough to still her hands. When she didn't move away he sighed, breath warm against the grey cotton. 'What happened to you?' He asked, hands dropping down to skim her thighs and pull her towards him. 

She didn't resist, simply let herself fall forward until his knees met her's, at which point she did push away his hands, only to crawl on to his lap, head still spinning and heart breaking with every second she looked at him. 

'You... Am I not enough for you?' She cupped his face and forced him to look at her as she settled her weight against him. Beneath her smooth skin his denim jeans felt like sandpaper. 'I... I understand if you... You don't want me just say you don't want me...'

'It's not that I don't want you.' His thumbs were now trailing circles on her hips, under the soft cool cotton, heating up her skin. 

'I know I practically moved in...'

'I didn't mind, I don't mind.' He licked his lips. 

'And I'm not... You're so beautiful and I'm...'

His breath caught. Not at the compliment, those had been paid through the years by enough people and he'd always known she'd thought him as such. Even when she'd hated him for not helping his sister, for helping to turn her beloved Kaneki in to the white haired psycho Jason had left behind, he had still caught her looking with curious or appreciative glances when she'd thought he couldnt see. No, his breath caught at the realisation that she didn't believe he thought she was just as beautiful. 

'So I should go, see?'

His fingers dug in painfully. 'Don't you fucking dare leave me.' He weighed up his next words in his head. 'You should. You deserve better, but don't you fucking dare.'

She smacked her lips on his so hard his their teeth knocked, and his lip was caught in the collision. The swirl of blood and hot breath made her whine against his mouth, hands seeking purchase on the dark shirt and tight muscles of his chest. All too suddenly she pulled her head back, holding her forehead to his. 

'Was she beautiful?' 

He raised a hand to tuck her hair behind her ear. 'No.' He swallowed. The compliment sat on the tip of his tongue, but he hoped she would read it in his eyes. Slowly he let his mouth trail over her jaw, sucking down the hollow of her throat and trying to put every syllable in to his movements. Somewhere in the back of his head his own voice was screaming at him to just say it, just tell her. 

'Did you kill her?' 

His hands tightened on her hip bones. 

'Did you eat her?' She sounded mildly horrified, and as he pulled away he found his own shame growing. 

He had nibbled and chewed but he'd stomached very little. He'd intended to from the moment she followed him, but the sex had been impulsive, all her idea, and he'd left the body there to any scavengers. 

He frowned at her clavicle. 'I want to tell you things. I just can't, alright?'

She nuzzled his neck, and he felt himself heating up at the ears. 'I know. I just wish you trusted me the way I trust you.'

The stupid idea left his mouth before he had thought it through, spilling out against her hair as his hands pulled her closer. 'If you told me to do something, I'd do it...'

Smooth.

To his surprise, her knees dug in at his sides and she giggled against his ear. 'You want me to tell you what to do?' 

'Yes.' He swallowed, looking down at her breasts under the grey cotton shirt. 'Sometimes... Like you do... You know?' 

She pulled her head back, face calm and eyes searching. He was blushing! 'Like I do...'

'Not just sex!' He barked, almost knocking her from his perch as he shifted beneath her. 'I'll listen to you. I'm ready to do that... Ah I can't say it right. I think... I want to say...'

She hopped from his lap and stumbled backwards, mind racing with implications. The shirt fell down to her thighs, and he did his best to hold eye contact, to not admire the whole body wrapped up so neatly in his clothing. All his. All his. 

'If I told you to get down on your knees...' Her voice was quiet, but it barely trembled.

He moved slowly, deliberately. This was easier than saying it, he was much better at this side of things anyway. Of course, he loved having her beneath him, trusting him with her safety, her very breaths, but for a while the idea of her over him, of following her every command had been loud and terrifying in his head. He hadn't trusted it at first, he never wanted to submit to anyone, but she was back and he was so relieved and desperate to tell her, show her, that he forgot about the pride.

He knelt before her, looking up with as neutral an expression as he could manage. She looked nervous, unable to hide the tremor in her lips. With a slight shake of her legs she walked forward, stopping when his face was level with her stomach. 'Don't touch me.' She whispered as his hand made to stroke her leg. 'Keep your hands behind you.' 

This was stupid, he thought as he looked up, watching the way her fingers played with the collar and top button of the shirt, and her lips pouted around her next words. 

'You... You always seem so sure of yourself.'

He let his head hang forward, looking down at her toes. 'I want you to feel like that around me. I'll never give you a reason not to again.' Empty words maybe, but he'd meant them at the time, damn the consequences. 

Tatara had warned him at some point, 'if this gets in the way, you end it.' Well he couldn't be a commander  if he was literally at the mercy of her whims in the bedroom.

'Okay, Ayato-Kun. Take off your shirt.' Confidence wasn't the right word, but she said it with something close. He couldn't look at her, he didn't want her to rethink it, so with his head still drooping he began to work on the buttons, before shrugging off his shirt and throwing it behind him onto the sofa. 'Good. Will you... No... Kiss me, here.' She pointed to her thigh, just below the hem of her shirt, and when he leaned forward she pulled away, a gently reminder to keep his hands back. With them clasped behind him he crushed his lips in to her skin, the kiss chaste and brief. 'Here.' She pointed to the same spot on her other thigh, and he almost fell to the side as he rushed to place a matching kiss. 

She kept the kisses under the hemline, eyes giving nothing away as she moved him closer and closer to the fabric. When her hand suddenly pointed above it he paused, looking at her for a moment before pressing his face against the cool cotton, just below her belly button. 

'Good.' She repeated, sounding a little unsure now. Her hand ran through his hair and pulled him softly back so she could catch his eye. bending at the waist she pressed a soft kiss to the side of his lips, standing when he tried to deepen it. 'Don't be impatient.'

He groaned as she began to unbutton her... His shirt. Her fingers fumbled until the smooth skin of her stomach was revealed, along with the fact that she was otherwise completely naked. The shirt fell from her shoulders, but she kept it bunched around her elbows, even if nothing was hidden to him anymore, 

'Here.' She pointed to the curve of her ribs, just under her left breast, and he pressed his lips to it eagerly. 'And here.' Lower down on the right side. His fists clenched behind him as he kissed every space she commanded him, avoiding the breasts and the soft curls between her legs, much to his dismay. His neck strained and shoulders ached as he stretched to keep up with her demands. 

When she dropped to her knees so their faces were level he couldn't help but take her wrists in his hands and lean towards her. 

'You don't take instruction well, do you Ayato-kun.' Her voice was light beneath the surface, unable to mask a fondness. 

He shook his head. 'I have trust issues with authority.' The words tumbled out, dumb and heavy, and he wished he'd had the eloquence to say anything else. 

To his dismay she laughed. Not a malicious laugh, an Hinami laugh, a little huff of air exhaled through lips she was struggling to keep straight. She shuffled closer, dropping back on to her feet so she was looking up at him. 'I trust you.' She released his hands, shedding the shirt, and replacing the pseudo confidence of someone in charge with the actual confidence of someone following orders. Her eyes lit up as she watched his face, her arms dropping down to her sides. 'I shouldn't but I do.' 

His gut twisted. 'You shouldn't.' His arm looped around her shoulder as he brought his mouth down to her left breast, tongue hot and wet against her warm skin. He sucked and nipped and she clung to him through her litany of wordless cries, her knees pressing between his own as he pulled her closer. 

If he had looked, he would have seen her grin, the pride of knowing that she had wound him up, that as much as he thought he was in charge, he was all her's. To confirm her point she tugged his hair back, and he yielded, following her movements until he was latched on at the right breast, grunting against her skin. 

Dating between ghouls was awkward. Eto had warned her off at first, told her that sex was fine, and love was stupid, especially with a pair so damaged and frayed. 'I can't have you two weakened by something so trivial. We're at war here.' 

She let him push her back until she was sprawled against the cold wooden floorboards, an uncomfortable sensation for all of two seconds, stopping abruptly when his mouth clumsily hit the skin of her lower stomach. As his head travelled lower, hands gripping her legs around the back of the knees and pulling them roughly aside, she felt the familiar warmth spread from her lower stomach outwards, settling her spine flat against the floor. When his tongue finally made contact with the soft flesh she all but melted. 

His fingers spread her and his tongue pushed in long broad licks against her, leaving her to wind her hands in her own hair and arch her back. The sounds he was making were downright shameless, and every grunt or muffled word shot straight through her, building to a weight pooling in her middle. 

Her sudden cry made him still against her, looking up to find her propped on her elbows, head thrown back and throat bared, chest heaving. 

His his his his his his.

He pressed harder until her knees tightened against him and her hands fisted in his hair, desperately pulling him up until he yielded and she pressed her lips to his, panting against them. She kissed him softly, humming as her fingers trailed down his toned stomach, searching for the fly of his jeans. He lifted himself so she could unzip them, helping her pull them and his pants down until he was naked before her, sitting in the middle of his apartment with dawn creeping through the blinds. She didn't touch him, instead crawling forward, sitting on his thighs, effectively trapping his cock between their stomachs. 

As they kissed she took his arms from around her, raising them first above his head, then bending them until his own hands were fisted in his hair. When she pulled back he looked furious, but he didn't move, content to just dig his sharp teeth in to his own swollen lips. 

'Cross your legs.' She raised herself up so that her breast were level with his face, and waited for him to comply, hand snaking down to take him in her hand. She gave a small chuckle at finding him already painfully hard and kissed him lightly on the chin by means of apology, while he remained still and scowling. 

It was easy enough with his knees now supporting her lower back, to position herself above him, but she hadn't thought as far ahead as actually lowering herself down, and several days of inaction had her woefully unprepared. She let her head fall on to his shoulder, sucking in heavy breaths as his full length stretched her, a pleasurable discomfort that made her head spin. 

He sighed against her forehead, one hand reaching down to stroke her cheek. 

She kissed his palm and shifted against him, until finally looking up and giving him a small nod. His hand returned to the back of his head and she began to move in a steady rhythm of up, down and forward, her hands digging in to the hot skin of his chest. 

He watched her move with something approaching awe written plain across his face. He could move his hands if he wanted to, it wasn't a question of her overpowering him physically, it was just that he wanted to obey her then. He found his minds rationalising every doubt he'd ever had, feeling deserving, really deserving. Her hand went down to rub steady circles against herself, and he found himself trying to buck under her, but the hands behind his head and the strain in his stomach muscles only made it impossible. 

She smiled, her eyes fluttering closed, and it was the most breathtaking thing he'd ever seen. Her brow furrowed, her lips parted, her tongue sweeping across them and leaving them so inviting. 

His resolve broke.

his hands grabbed her hips as his lips crashed against hers, muffling her gasp. Her free hand pulled at his dark blue locks in a final act of dominance, but the balance of power had shifted in his direction the moment she had begun to touch herself. She came with a shudder, and his tongue silenced her as he continued to move her hips down in a savage rhythm. The noise he made as he finished buried deep within her was nothing short of primal, a deep guttural sound that echoed around her mouth, down her throat, and made her feel somehow powerful. 

He fell backwards, pulling her with him so she was lying against his chest. In the silence his breaths evened out, her's became soft little shushes against his collar bone. 

He knew they weren't normal, they had too much to worry about outside of each other with the CCG, the tree and other ghouls even. They'd seen too much and suffered more than humans their age would ever have to. All the same, he didnt feel weak for letting her have this effect on him, not the way he had when he'd first found himself between her legs. 

'I'll never touch anyone else again.' He promised, and maybe it was foolish and empty but he meant it, he meant it at that moment so much that his chest hurt. 

'Don't say that if...'

'If what?' He sat up on his elbows as she moved off him, dropping on to her backside between his knees. Their positions were revealing, but now with all sexuality vented there was no distraction, no awkwardness beyond a faint urge to cover her with something, to keep her warm and safe. 'I mean it. Only you.'

She blushed, one hand coming up to cover her chest. 'Aya...'

'I...' He tried to say it, but something in his head sneered and kept his tongue still. Instead he looked to her eyes, now a soft glowing amber rather than the harsh black and red of a few moments ago. 

Love was stupid. There was no place for it in his life, or her's anymore.

All the same he'd come this far, and he'd known for a while that if Tatara told him this had to stop he'd fight it. He'd fight anyone.

She kissed him, letting him pull her against his side. Maybe they'd never spend a day in the zoo or start a family and maybe love would never conquer his hatred the way they did in some books and not in Shakespearean tragedies. Maybe he'd never say he loved her, and maybe he'd leave her for someone stronger, someone who didn't turn up at his door bloodied and needy and someone who knew how to sit on top of him without wearing a stupid smile. Right now though he was her's, and she held on with clumsy but determined fingers. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if this is confusing or not. I figured he'd be a bit of a dweeb and completely unable to work out his own emotions.
> 
> Also Hinami was totally supposed to take him with her on her mission but didn't because of pride, so naturally she goes straight to his, because she held her own but she shouldn't have been so silly, letting personal things in the way. 
> 
> Not really as explicit as the last chapter, a bit all over the place but I hope you like it.

**Author's Note:**

> What am I doing with my life. 
> 
> Head canon that punk with a heart of gold Ayato had a bit of a promiscuous life on the streets. Also that Hinami's a bit of a kinky bitch...
> 
>  
> 
> I'm so sorry.


End file.
